My first fictional crush was Jack Skellington. I was maybe five years old, and I was in love. At least, I thought I was. Then I watched The Lord of the Rings, and thought it might be nice to live in the Shire… with a certain blue-eyed hobbit. Then I met Captain Jack Sparrow, and I thought that was true love. For several long, torturous years, teenage me wrote bad fanfiction and even worse poetry, all in the name of a fictional romance.

Falling in love with a fictional character is never easy, regardless of whether it’s your dirty little secret no one but Google knows about or an obsession so obvious you could spot it from space. But if you find yourself inexplicably drawn to your favorite character from a movie, novel, or game, just know—you’re not alone.

Why We Get Emotionally Attached to Fictional Characters

Getting emotionally attached is what most humans do—a complete lack of attachment, in fact, would be cause for concern. It’s not just other humans we attach to, either. As many as 85 million families in the U.S. alone have pets, and most people have at least one item of purely sentimental value to their name.

So is it really that surprising that we, a species known for (among other things) our vivid imaginations, can form attachments, even strong ones, to fictional beings as well?

The main driving force behind both fandom and love is empathy. And while it might sound crazy, it can actually be much easier to empathize—and fall in love—with fictional characters than real people. In reality, we must rely on the other person to let us in on their secrets. But in fiction, we can get inside a character’s head—sometimes quite literally. Short of reading someone’s diaries, it’s difficult to achieve this unique sort of intimacy in the real world.

Characters are also often designed to be empathetic, even attractive. While not every character is necessarily meant to make you swoon, most characters are meant to evoke some sort of emotional response. 

When writing The Harbinger’s Head, for example, I put a lot of effort into portraying the titular harbinger as a dark yet empathetic character. I created him to be compelling—and many people responded to that with not only empathy but romantic attraction.

The Dragon’s Last Flight, on the other hand, centers around the friendly (and possibly romantic) relationship between the player and the dragon, Tashka. As such, I intentionally created Tashka to be someone the player could connect with on a deep level, whether platonically or otherwise. 

Other factors, of course, may affect your level of attachment to a character as well. We may feel attracted to characters who remind us, consciously or subconsciously, of people we love or admire in our everyday lives. Attraction can also be sparked simply by recognizing certain qualities we admire, and perhaps even want for ourselves or our potential future partners.

But can you really fall in love with a fictional character?

People who claim to “fall in love” with fictional characters are often shunned with the response, “You can’t fall in love with someone who doesn’t exist!” But is that true?

We like to think we know what we mean when we say “I love you,” but love is an elusive concept. Even a specific type of love, such as romantic love, can be imagined and experienced very differently by different people. So I’m not sure any of us is in a position to tell anyone else how to feel or how to label their feelings, especially when it comes to love.

A related debate is whether you can be in a “real” relationship with a character. Fictional characters are bound by the limits of their script and programming—they have no agency, no consciousness, of their own (at least, not in this reality). Fanart and fanfiction offer a means to explore possibilities outside of these restrictions, but the initial problem remains: these characters cannot initiate their own responses to our affections.

However, I won’t go so far as to say that a fictophilic relationship isn’t “real,” because at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter what labels we slap onto these feelings. Call it what you like, the emotions involved in fictophilic attachments are real and, for the most part, harmless.

(And in the future, who knows what might be possible? I look forward to seeing what strange places artificial intelligence technology will take us in the years to come.)

Is it Bad to Fall in Love with a Fictional Character?

There is nothing inherently wrong with falling in love with a fictional character. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Even if the fictional object of your affections is a bit… unconventional.

I’m of the “an ye harm none, do what ye will” frame of mind. The only time becoming emotionally attached to a character is really problematic is when it begins to take over someone’s life to an obsessive degree—interfering with everyday life, wellness, work, and even relationships. Even then, it isn’t wrong in a moral sense—though it is unhealthy, and usually worth working through with a therapist.

What about crushing on fictional characters as an adult?

I recently wrestled with this question myself (again, looking at you, Garrus “Calibrations” Vakarian). A thirteen-year-old girl fangirling over some handsome devil straight out of a Harlequin romance novel is one thing. But in American culture at least, the older you get, the more you’re expected to grow out of “silly crushes” and fandom-related “phases.”

But just because you’re older doesn’t make you wiser—especially in matters of the heart. Whether or not you grow out of becoming attached to fictional characters has more to do, I think, with personality and preferences rather than age. I’ve learned to accept that, as an empathetic and emotional person (with a pretty strong imagination), I’m not likely to grow out of much of anything anytime soon.

Instead of worrying about it, I recommend just sitting back and enjoying the journey.

But what if I’m in a real-life relationship?

Again, I think that as long as it’s not hurting anyone, there’s nothing wrong with it. If you’re worried about your partner’s reaction to your fictophilic tendencies then communication, as always, is key. Ask them how they feel. Be open to discussing what is, and is not, okay for both of you. Be ready not just to speak, but to listen.

I’m very happy in my current long-term (real) relationship. I am also in the throes of an intense crush on a certain alien from Mass Effect. I might have mentioned him once or twice now.

My boyfriend thinks it’s hilarious. He bought me Garrus merch before I even finished the games. And as I hung ridiculously pretty fan art on the wall beside my desk the other day, I felt lucky—not because of the picture itself, but because of the funny, thoughtful, wonderful man who bought it for me just to make me happy.

In my humble opinion, jokingly shipping each other’s fictional romances represents serious relationship goals. 

Fictional Romance as Fuel for Creativity

Love, even the fictional kind, can spark real change. Many people, in search of an outlet for all the feelings their first fictoromance may stir up, turn to writing or art to express themselves. So at least in some cases, these feelings can be good for us—maybe even bring out hidden passions and talents we might never otherwise have discovered.

Some of the first stories I ever wrote—and, more importantly, finished—were Lord of the Rings and Pirates of the Caribbean fanfics. I wrote for the love of the characters in these worlds as much as a love of the worlds themselves. I had so much fun writing those stories, I realized I wanted to keep writing… and here I am today, still writing. (And still very obsessed with both of those stories.)

Maybe I would have always become a writer. But maybe not. Up until I wrote those fanfics, I’d been convinced I would be a visual artist—a painter maybe, or a photographer. I still enjoy taking photos, but I rarely draw. And I think I would hate to have to do any of it to earn a living.

But writing? I can (and often do) sit and do this all day. And it’s entirely probable that I have a very special hobbit and a certain pirate captain to thank for that.

Kim Berkley is a fantasy author and narrative designer who has been accused of writing the occasional fictional character worth falling in love with. You can judge this for yourself by reading the first chapter of The Harbinger’s Head for free, or checking out the demo for The Dragon’s Last Flight.